Relating To Your Partner

The problem with many adult relationships, is that the people in them are not adults! Sure, they may be over twenty-one, but that is where their claim to adulthood ends. Relationships are hard work: while they can produce our greatest sense of joy they can also be the source of our deepest pain. Often when we are under pressure, we don't respond from the best in us and yet we expect that from those around us! No wonder our relationship with our partner can feel like a battlefield when we are each putting so much energy and effort into protecting our individual needs, wants, goals and dreams.

How Do We Build A Solid Relationship?

It's all about foundation. It's almost impossible to build a strong relationship if we haven't agreed on common ground. Try asking yourself:

• What beliefs do I have about what my partner should be bringing to the relationship? Be aware that if you feel it is their responsibility to keep you feeling happy, to trust you in everything without question or to be the perfect lover, for example, then you are doomed to disappointment.
• What do I believe my contribution should be? At this point it is great to check in with your partner and see if they agree with your expectations. If they don't, then let the discussions begin!
• What priorities do each of us hold for this relationship?
• What strengths and weaknesses do we each have and can these be accommodated within this relationship?

If you and your partner can answer all these questions in a way that you can both live with, then congratulations, you are now ready to step up to the starting blocks!

What If We Can't Agree?

This doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is a no-goer, but it could be an indicator that extra hard work will be needed. There are so many factors which influence the course and quality of a relationship. A professional counsellor can help you explore such issues as:

• The impact of your past and background
• The influence of personality
• Learning to speak your partner's language
• Fighting fair
• Developing a strong sense of who you are as individuals in the context of your relationship
• Making pain, disappointment, and disagreement work for you.

When Is It Too Late To Make Things Work?

When one or both of you decide that you are unwilling or unable to give any more to this particular relationship, then it ceases to be a relationship. Of course you can still choose individually to pursue personal growth, but you cannot manipulate, dominate, nag, bribe or threaten another person into staying connected when they don't wish to.

A counsellor can work with you individually or as a couple to help you better understand the dynamics of your specific relationship and to make choices as to where you wish to go from here. Relationship counselling is not about pressuring one person to give in to the will of another. Rather it is about helping you to become the healthiest individuals that you can possibly be, knowing that out of health the strongest relationships come.

At Point of Change Counselling, we have over thirty years of experience in working with couples from all kinds of situations. We can help you address the complications which arise from abuse, domestic violence, addictions or mental health issues. We offer a strictly confidential, non-judgemental environment, without gender bias.

If you need help in relating to your partner, contact Alli at Point Of Change Counselling and make an appointment.