Point Of Change Counselling
promoting change that heals
5 Things I wish I'd known about finding the perfect partner
I meet children as young as eight bemoaning the fact that they will never meet the right boyfriend/girlfriend. It saddens me that we increasingly focus on one aspect of life to the detriment of developing ourselves as a whole person. Been there, done that, so here are a few pointers I wish I’d been told which may help you tackle this complex issue.
1. Accept that there is no such thing as a “perfect” partner
We all come with our own combination of baggage and flaws – yes, even you. So get to grips with the reality that you will let others down and will in turn be hurt by them at times. It’s called life!
Make a list of essential qualities which you are not prepared to live without, but make sure that they are things that you absolutely will not compromise on, no matter what else the person may offer. If a fancy car could make you overlook how boring someone is, then don't put "great personality" on your list.
Looks, money, or possessions often attract initially. But how important will they be to us when we start thinking in terms of forever? The shine can wear off those things pretty quickly. (For me, I would never contemplate being the partner of someone who didn’t have a great sense of humour, so be clear about your non-negotiables.) This list should be things that must be present.
Next, identify the things which would break the relationship if they were present at all. This is more likely to include behaviours, beliefs and attitudes, rather than personality traits or physical aspects. Frequent items on this list are issues such as addictions, violence, criminal history, mental health challenges, infidelity and wanting/not wanting children.
If any of these show themselves, even once, they should ring your alarm bells if they are on your list.
2. Be honest about why you’re looking for a partner
Scared of being left alone? Want some eye candy to impress the socks off your friends? Looking for someone to give you children, or financial security? There can be as many reasons as there are people, but it’s important to be clear on what we are really wanting and needing.
As a counsellor, I’ve found a lot of people want a relationship that will let them hide their own failings. A shy person may choose someone who is the life of the party, so their quietness won’t be as noticeable. Someone who likes to be dominant will choose a partner who can be easily manipulated.
If we don’t acknowledge our true motives, then heartache rather than happiness may lie ahead.
3. Be prepared to work on yourself
I know. This advice sucks! Not because it's bad counsel, but because it places the responsibility for change in our hands. And most of us hate change.
But if you decide to bite the bullet and take this suggestion on board, what should you do? Firstly, take time to let trusted people in your life speak to you. (Don’t, whatever you do, draw your input from social media.) Choose people whom you respect, knowing they care about you enough to tell you the truth. Don't just pick people that you think will tell you what you want to hear.
Next, if you’re game, ask them the simple question, “If I were to change one less than perfect thing about myself, what do you think it should be?”
A word of warning though: don’t ask if you’re not willing to take their suggestions on board. True friends will be honest. It might cause you to flinch to hear that you talk too much, or you can be bossy or that you don’t handle money well. But it could also be that these are the very things you need to work on in order to become a better you.
After all, being the best you can be, will also potentially attract a partner who will appreciate you more too.
4. Practise paying attention to your partner’s positives
We live in a world which is quick to criticise and pass judgment. Thanks to modern technology, very few of us get to live private lives. ("Do you like my hair, my clothes, hey, do you like my blog?) As a result, complete strangers feel perfectly comfortable in telling us the many ways in which we don't make the grade.
We can feel reluctant to show who we really are in case we are deemed to be unacceptable. One of the greatest gifts we can offer another person is to accept them as they are and take the extra step of letting them know the things about them which are admirable. Instead of focusing on what we're not happy with, how long has it been since you've said to someone "Do you know what my two favourite terrific things about you are?"
Too often close relationships can bring out a side of us which believes, “things would be perfect if only my partner would change how they chew, or what their hair looks like, or how motivated they are…” You fill in the blanks.
Let’s be honest, we’ve all done it. You’ve probably been on the receiving end too. Did it motivate you to change? Probably not. So why do we think it will somehow magically transform our significant other into the perfect partner? Try a little praise and some positive feedback and you just might reap the benefits too.
5. Consider whether you actually do need a partner
“What? Are you crazy?” I hear you ask. The truth is that some of us live more successfully alone, either permanently, or for a season. Not everyone adapts to an up close and personal lifestyle, so why should they try to force the fit? Living alone can grant us the gift of self-discovery and learning to love what we find within ourselves.
Just perhaps the perfect person you’ve been looking for to complete the picture is you.